Waddling my way

Waddling my way

I used my break this morning to walk the track at work. That may not sound like a big deal to you but for me it’s a step in the right direction. Years ago, when I was full-time, I used to walk the track for both of my breaks. Now I’m lucky if I get off my butt once every couple months and walk it. I try to get up at least every hour and walk down the hallway, down the stairs, back up the hallway and up the stairs into my office. That doesn’t happen very often. But with a major event coming up next week and my birthday this weekend. Walking on the track has been on my calendar for months without anything happening. Today I made it happen. I was so proud of myself. My alarm went off and I finished what I was doing, changed into walking shoes, put a sign on my door showing where I could be found, and proceeded to march down the hallway to the track.

I didn’t even get to the track before I noticed that I was waddling. Seriously. I know I’ve been steadily putting on weight to the point where I don’t like looking at myself in the mirror. Those of you who follow me on Facebook are probably expressing shock and disbelief that this, but it’s true. Taking photos of myself and posting my sweaty selfies has been a huge challenge for me. But that’s fodder for a different blog. Waddling. Where the hell did the waddling come from?!? The only time I’ve ever done that before was when I was all messed up in multiple ways. From lower back issues to torn ligaments in my ankle to a cyst in my knee and losing feeling in one leg from the knee down. But today, today I waddled. Down the hallway and to the track.

Around the track I went. One painfully slow waddling step at a time. Wiping sweat off my upper lip and praying that no one else showed up before I was done so no one would see my struggle. Refusing to cry, I focused on one step at a time. I took a couple breaks to stretch out my aching lower back. When I felt like I couldn’t go any further, I went one more lap. With a deep breath I strolled quickly back to my office, face forward, making sure to look intense so if anyone saw me they would think I was super busy and not stop to talk. I didn’t want to stop and talk. I needed to get to my chair so I could sit and pant.

I went 10 minutes (thanks Fitbit for keeping track of everything for me so I don’t have to think about it myself) 10 minutes and 886 steps. I want to compare it to my past. To the easy way I used to walk a mile in a 15 minute break. Stroll around the track and be shocked when I realized my time was up. Then wander my way back to my office, stopping to visit people along the way, a bounce in my step and a smile on my face. But that isn’t going to make today any easier. This is me now, thumping down into my chair hoping it wont break. Sitting in my office breathing hard and preying no one walks in or calls cause Oh My God how embarrassing would that be? But here I am telling you about it online. And as we all know, once things are posted online, they’re there forever, they’re there for everyone to see. You can’t hide it after that. You have to embrace it and move forward. So that’s what I’m doing. I’m embracing where I’m at, thinking of my future, and moving forward.

Embarrassed? Wondering how someone could let themselves get this way? Perhaps this isn’t the blog for you. Please move along. But if you’re like me and you’ve struggled with your weight for whatever reason. You’ve struggled with health, fitness, feelings of inadequacy, and so much more. Then I hope you stick around. Because this is my journey and I hope you come along. I want to share my struggles and my successes. I hope that through me you can see that you can do it too. That you can take the small daily steps you need to live a happier and healthier life. It’s going to get real, it’s going to get ugly, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. So hold on cause it’s going to be a bumpy but awesome ride.