Bad Choices

Do you suffer from migraines? Debilitating migraines where movement makes you vomit? And by movement I mean, you rolled over in bed...yeah its not pleasant. Thanks to a holiday, today's migraine meant I didn't miss work. But I did miss out on the Yoga workshop I wanted to go to, I missed my Biological Anthropology class, I missed out of hours of much needed studying AND, the real kicker, I'm missing the workout class I really wanted to attend tonight. This week starts the series of 6 workout classes that I'm co-teaching over the next two weeks. This is a fabulous opportunity but if migraines are kicking my butt, then I can't practice, and if you can't practice, you can't bring the best possible experience to your participants.

Today sucks. But why does today suck? If you're like me you can't even think through the migraine, using your brain makes things worse. So the second it dims enough that low lights wont leave me spinning, I take time to over think EVERYTHING. What did I eat the last week? How was my sleep? How has my water intake been? Did I drink or eat anything that might trigger a migraine? Whats my stress level been like? Check my vitamin log, did I get all the right vitamins at the right time? Did I sleep funny? Is there tension somewhere? Too hot? Too cold? Did I take my thyroid meds? Did I give enough time between thyroid meds and food? What about thyroid meds and vitamins? Hows my stress levels? Its an endless cycle of questions and contemplation. I just lost a whole day of my life and damn it if I don't want to know why. When you drop off the face of the planet for a day of much needed rest, that's one thing. When you miss a day that is spent in pain, that's a whole different kettle of fish.

My best guess for my suckage day? Not enough water and too much fun. By too much I mean I ate out for one meal and ordered pizza for another this weekend. The other possibility, or added combination, hormones...yep monthly hormones. So much fun. But you can take something like this and learn from it. Theres always something to take away from every experience.

Did you know back in August I participated in Shift Shop? Its the first program I've finished. Sure I missed a couple workouts and had to shift a couple workouts to the next day. I didn't follow the eating plan 100% but I did follow it pretty darn close and you know what?!? no headaches, no migraines, I slept well, I felt better, I had more energy, I was full all the time with super delicious food AND it was healthy!!! I lost 6 pounds. That doesn't seem like much when the goal is 166 pounds away but its something, especially with all the health issues I battle on a daily basis. Those 3 weeks were amazing. How I felt about everything in life was different then. Just absolutely everything was different. I felt great, I looked great, I had a brighter outlook on life. Its amazing how much better life is when you make the right decisions.

I'm feeling more determined than ever to make healthy choices for the rest of this month. I've been given a fantastic opportunity and I'm not going to miss out on a moment of it due to bad lifestyle choices. And now the lights of the computer screen have played havic on my head. Its time to close the lid and dim the lights and crawl back into my cocoon of darkness surrounded by my ever loving fur babies. Life is only worth it when you can live the life you dream. Make good choices, reach for the starts and don't let anyone ever tell you that anything is impossible.

35 Things I Won't Miss About Being Overweight

35 things I won’t miss about being overweight

1. Rolls. I know we all have them. But when you’re overweight you have them no matter what position your body is in.

2. Never being able to find cute or pretty things in my size. Seriously, just because I’m overweight doesn’t mean I want to dress in a tent.

3. Plus sized clothing costing 2-3 times as much as the regular sized stuff. If you haven’t looked, look. I can pay $35 for a shirt that costs $10 for the same thing in a medium or large.

4. People referring to me as having a good personally, like that explains everything.

5. Always being asked how much weight I’ve lost when they find out I’ve been exercising and eating well. For one, muscle is more dense then fat so I might have loss inches without losing pounds. Not to mention that I hate the constant reminder of what the number on the scale is falsely telling me about my health. I once knew a girl who lost 50+ pounds but she absolutely hated people knowing that number. I didn’t understand then, I do now.

6. Getting winded going up stairs.

7. Feeling like I’m going to break everything I sit on, lean against, bump into, touch…

8. Having a double butt.

9. No cute bras that fit. Why must large chested women wear bras that look like nursing bras? Don’t we deserve something pretty too?

10. Not fitting comfortably in chairs, cars, couches, airplanes, etc.

11. Not being able to go on rides at amusement parks or on ziplining adventures.

12. Always checking and being worried about the weight limit on things.

13. The thighs wearing out on pants before anything else.

14. Walking on the hem of my pants because they always seem to think that if you’re plus sized you should either get the petite pants (which is for short short people and fits everyone else like capris) or your pants should fit women who are over 6 feet tall.

15. My thighs cheering me on…

16. Chafed thighs, nuff said.

17. Is this supposed to be a blanket or a shaw?

18. I’m flexible, always have been. Splits? No problem. Feet behind the head? Pfft easy peasy. Since I’ve gained weight I’m like, how can I move the cushion around so I can actually get good stretches going? The flexibility didn’t disappear with the weight gain. But the gain has made it difficult to maneuver.

19. Baths that only cover half of my bottom half.

20. The lack of respect from others. The judgment and whispers.

21. People thinking we haven’t had a kid because of my weight. Nope, not the problem people.

22. Comments, whispers, judging when I want a second serving while the fit girl next to me has 5 serving and everyone just thinks its cute.

23. The feeling I get looking at the changing room mirror.

24. Wanting to wear all black because its “slimming” and secretly wishing it made me look like a sporty ninja like I am in my dreams…kicking butt, saving the world, all that jazz.

25. Knowing that the end weight goal is SOOOOOO far away.

26. The main goal being weight loss and not trimming up or defining my muscles.

27. Not being able to fold into a ball on chairs like I used to. Its incredibly comfortable, or at least it was.

28. People thinking I’m pregnant…at the hospital ER

29. Being the largest person in the room.

30. Always feeling to big for everything and everyone.

31. Being excluded from fitness things because they don’t think I can do it because of my size. Give me a chance people! Maybe I’ll surprise you.

32. Jiggling. Like holy f*** jiggling is messed up and sucks and makes me feel worse.

33. Not going to the pool or beach because I’m afraid to wear a bathing suite.

34. Not wearing tank tops where people can see me no matter how hot I am or how comfortable they are.

35. Looking at booths in restaurants and wandering if I’ll fit.

It was way to easy to come up with these 35 once I got started. I could keep going on and on. Maybe one day I’ll do a 100 things. But I’m doing 35 because its almost my 34^th birthday and I would like a lot of these to disappear or be better before my 35^th birthday.

Do you have a list? What would you add to this list? I challenge you to add at least 3 things to this list, either in the comments or on my facebook post.

Waddling my way

Waddling my way

I used my break this morning to walk the track at work. That may not sound like a big deal to you but for me it’s a step in the right direction. Years ago, when I was full-time, I used to walk the track for both of my breaks. Now I’m lucky if I get off my butt once every couple months and walk it. I try to get up at least every hour and walk down the hallway, down the stairs, back up the hallway and up the stairs into my office. That doesn’t happen very often. But with a major event coming up next week and my birthday this weekend. Walking on the track has been on my calendar for months without anything happening. Today I made it happen. I was so proud of myself. My alarm went off and I finished what I was doing, changed into walking shoes, put a sign on my door showing where I could be found, and proceeded to march down the hallway to the track.

I didn’t even get to the track before I noticed that I was waddling. Seriously. I know I’ve been steadily putting on weight to the point where I don’t like looking at myself in the mirror. Those of you who follow me on Facebook are probably expressing shock and disbelief that this, but it’s true. Taking photos of myself and posting my sweaty selfies has been a huge challenge for me. But that’s fodder for a different blog. Waddling. Where the hell did the waddling come from?!? The only time I’ve ever done that before was when I was all messed up in multiple ways. From lower back issues to torn ligaments in my ankle to a cyst in my knee and losing feeling in one leg from the knee down. But today, today I waddled. Down the hallway and to the track.

Around the track I went. One painfully slow waddling step at a time. Wiping sweat off my upper lip and praying that no one else showed up before I was done so no one would see my struggle. Refusing to cry, I focused on one step at a time. I took a couple breaks to stretch out my aching lower back. When I felt like I couldn’t go any further, I went one more lap. With a deep breath I strolled quickly back to my office, face forward, making sure to look intense so if anyone saw me they would think I was super busy and not stop to talk. I didn’t want to stop and talk. I needed to get to my chair so I could sit and pant.

I went 10 minutes (thanks Fitbit for keeping track of everything for me so I don’t have to think about it myself) 10 minutes and 886 steps. I want to compare it to my past. To the easy way I used to walk a mile in a 15 minute break. Stroll around the track and be shocked when I realized my time was up. Then wander my way back to my office, stopping to visit people along the way, a bounce in my step and a smile on my face. But that isn’t going to make today any easier. This is me now, thumping down into my chair hoping it wont break. Sitting in my office breathing hard and preying no one walks in or calls cause Oh My God how embarrassing would that be? But here I am telling you about it online. And as we all know, once things are posted online, they’re there forever, they’re there for everyone to see. You can’t hide it after that. You have to embrace it and move forward. So that’s what I’m doing. I’m embracing where I’m at, thinking of my future, and moving forward.

Embarrassed? Wondering how someone could let themselves get this way? Perhaps this isn’t the blog for you. Please move along. But if you’re like me and you’ve struggled with your weight for whatever reason. You’ve struggled with health, fitness, feelings of inadequacy, and so much more. Then I hope you stick around. Because this is my journey and I hope you come along. I want to share my struggles and my successes. I hope that through me you can see that you can do it too. That you can take the small daily steps you need to live a happier and healthier life. It’s going to get real, it’s going to get ugly, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. So hold on cause it’s going to be a bumpy but awesome ride.